How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
