There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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