My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize