Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
