Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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