I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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