: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize