Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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