im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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