Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
