we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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