drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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