fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
