I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
