I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
