oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
