woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
