it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
