someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
