I murdered the dance floor call the cops
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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