I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
