I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
