Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
