And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I AM VODKA MAN
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Randomize
