I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
