Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
