My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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