I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
