I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
