my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
