You smell like stripper and shame
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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