I feel great
I just peed on a car
Small penises have feelings too.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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