I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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