I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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