Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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