Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
