Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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