Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
