I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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