No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
