I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize