Taylor Swift is so right about you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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