just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
