you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
