New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
