It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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