Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
