note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
