I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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