Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
