Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
