He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
