i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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