a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
