he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
