it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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