Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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