Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize