Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I could fuck to npr.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
