someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
