Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i will never coherently bang her
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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