I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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