I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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