When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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