just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
