Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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